Wednesday, 29 May 2013 .

The past days have been quite torturing.. She has been treating her beau the way I wanted to be treated when we were together. Gives him time? saying things like "He got more important things to do, I think those are more important." So how about the things I did in the past? During my army days you argued with me past 4am when I had training at 5.30am, during work you expected me to reply to your messages fast when I had a pile of work on going.. So now you understood him. But before why didn't you understand me? Although I didn't mind neglecting things more important for her, but this time I felt unfair.

Yesterday she suddenly told me since I go church go join a cg better. And told me that its important in my christian life. I was puzzled. Why suddenly tell me this? why she would know about cellgroup activities and also saying it as "cg" as if its a common thing to her. So I asked, "why all of a sudden talk about cg?" her reply was "Cause now I going to become a christian." and she says she's attending follow up lessons from her "leader"..

I thought to myself.. For 4 years, I've been requesting you to go to church, to know more about God, to let you experience God.. For you to know my thoughts better. But you did not want to and you turn yourself away from it. I did not give up and I continued to pray for you every time. But now all of a sudden you're attending church, joined a cell group, and became very enthu to ask people to come saying its good and telling ME of all people that joining a cell group is important!? You can know everyone in a church, you can take part in missions, ministries, joining cell groups, charity work ..and maybe probably or even must be for your beau's sake? But one thing is for sure.. you did not even include God. Which means you currently aren't genuine.. which is sad.

I felt like I'm treated just like a stepping stone.. a guinea pig.. someone to test temperature before throwing me away. Just when I've finish making plans, you throw me away and didn't even tell me face to face.. you just used text.

Maybe now you might have grown, became more mature.. but you're still not mature enough to realise how I feel when you told me these. I still worry for you, but its hurting. And I wonder why am I thinking all these when I've already become nothing to you..

I really need to let it go.. 19:33;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Monday, 27 May 2013 .

To be honest, throughout the 9 months I've been telling myself to forget my memories of her.. Ironically, I'm also afraid to let it go. I'm even still using the wallet given by her which is now already torn and tattered and full of holes to the point that its beyond repair..

Just like the condition of my wallet, It is beyond hope.. 9 months ago, after she ended our relationship, I told myself "I guess i'm not a good enough to take care of her." So I find ways to improve myself and my ways and thinking..

Just when I find things are getting more calm, two days ago she told me she's attached (through sms). Although my mind have expected this news to come sooner or later, my heart wasn't ready to take it. I was kinda taken aback by the news. Nevertheless, trying hard to keep my composure in public, I gave my blessings to her.

Throughout the day, I've been suffering flashbacks of the good and bad times i've been through with her.. thoughts and feelings which were buried deep within were surfaced. Eventually the feeling became overwhelming.. and as I went back home, I immediately went to take a long evening nap..

Waking up late at night, I find myself suddenly feeling really alone.. No one was at home. My parents went overseas. That little dim light that shines through the hallway as I opened my door made me feel as if i'm already helpless..

Not wanting to dwell on this feeling any longer, I began to occupy myself in my late night computer session. That was when a friend of mine sent his greetings to me in Skype messager.

Feeling down inside, I've decided to let it out by just telling him how i'm feeling so that he'll at least give me some encouragement and support..

Never did I expect, that asking for some encouragement would turn that really "dimlight" feeling into something "pitchblack"... 04:55;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Sunday, 26 May 2013 .

Its been a really long time.. 4 years since i've posted something. How fast time flies and how fast time is wasted. Looking back then, those immature times are now nothing but memories. I wish there were times where I could make things right again, times where I could start all over. But thats not gonna happen. Indeed, time and tide waits for no man..


19:33;
A dream can only remain just a dream..