Tuesday, 4 September 2007 .

Hi guys~ I don't know why..its really tempting to post something personal in this blog =.= Either its natural for one to do that..or maybe I can't help it? Time for an essay writing~ lol..

When I was born, it was like i'm a subsitute for my brother. My parents always mentioned about my brother on how better than me he would be if he was still around. I do love my parents but why do i not feel most loved? My parents didn't understand me, they made me feel inferior to others. "Everything I've done was for a good purpose..I don't care about myself,I get no benefits, I have no motive and no selfish reasons..why can't you just all understand? why do you always have to critize me in everything?" that is what i felt like saying to them~..but nah.

I lived my younger days lifelessly..Getting into fights... Yes, getting into fights..in the past,by alot of people..even friends of my parents. But there were some whom tried to provoke me and hit me but I didn't retaliate back.. No i wasn't timid~ but something in me tells me not to get back at them..sympathy perhaps? Why..why do i still care for them even when they treat me bad? Back then..when i was younger, I wiped my tears and carry the burden along as I go on.. Now when I think back, I wondered, why wasn't I more heartless in the past? I could have faught back instead..

It doesn't end yet..I had a turning point in life. It didn't turned for the good..rather it turned for the worse. I had an incident that almost got me killed..but i was saved~ The consequences for that? More people mocked at me, laughed at me and critize me..because of how i changed over that incident. I thought to myself.. why must I live? why must I be saved? Everything could be over if I died..

When I was older, I had slight hope that life would just be better. But I was wrong, that hope was shattered in front of me..
Many at times I wondered..after being tortured, humiliated and hurt.. should I just end it all? I've been thinking..what is my purpose of living? What impact have I had on people around me? Why keep me alive when I seem so useless and lifeless..

Does your heart ever hurt so much that it just felt like it's been stabbed a million times? Your veins stretching itself in pain according to your agony? Your tears endlessly flowing even though your feeling is numbed and you wonder why you're crying? And with all that.. I have it in silence. All kept within myself and nobody will ever know.

I longed for a better life..I wanted self-confidence, self-esteem. I envy those who are happy..and is able to go through all challanges and trials in life. I just can't..i'm weak and useless. What good is there in me? I don't know..there are always thoughts of "Really" ending my life and end everything. But because of few good friends I have.. I chose to strive on in my own darkness.

An emo post? haha...not quite true. Just needed to vent out myself once in awhile.. Don't hate me for posting this ^^ i'm not asking for your pityness or sympathy hor... just nid to write something~

It's nothing much hor.. don't take it seriously please.. >_>

Wandering around lifelessly.. not knowing the purpose of his existance..
I wondered...Is this life?
ArtixSky, Paul 01:01;
A dream can only remain just a dream..