Monday, 3 November 2014 .

Its been quite awhile. But I've finally gotten over it. What a waste of time I have been in my stupidity and couldn't let go. Now I feel better. It wasn't worth all those pain and agony I've been feeling in the past. I'm stronger now, and have a different perspective from usual. I wouldn't care what happens to people who doesn't care. If anything bad happens, they deserve it. No pity from me at all. 16:40;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Thursday, 21 August 2014 .

Everyday is like an internal battle. Trying to not think of you is the hardest thing to do. Anything and everything I see will just jolt my mind to think of our times together.


I wonder how to people move on so fast and are able to forget. what's the theory behind it.. how did people do it? how did you do it? From lovers to friends to strangers.. it seems easy for most people. Anyone that means something to me, friend or not even when we've said our goodbyes and walk away, I would still turn back to take a second look.


When will the time come when I don't need to turn back and take a second look at you in my mind? How can I enjoy life without you like how you're enjoying it without me? I sincerely want to forget like how you did. Cuz its just so painful remaining like that and acting as if everything's fine.


I can only pray.. that one day I can really forget you. 15:34;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Monday, 18 August 2014 .

I guess that settles it. I don't know if my plan worked but it seems that you're doing what I had hoped for. To avoid myself to plot for bad things, I guess its the best way out..  in the end I can't be a bad person to do bad things to you, nor a good person to truly wish you happiness.


Rather than be stuck in an endless struggle, its best to avoid it altogether and drop this load into the depths of my heart.. only by doing so, that I can lessen some of my pain and to avoid trouble.


I just really hope all will be well for both you and me. =) and hopefully, things won't surface again.. 02:22;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Monday, 4 August 2014 .

Lots of things go through my mind. Thoughts, schemes, plots.. many chances I could do something, I even had connections for that purpose(not going to elaborate on that).. But what stopped me everytime is the fear of doing something bad that could affect people's lives. Lives that I actually STILL care about and those that don't know about me(its unfair for them).


I am bad. But I just don't want to be so bad to purposely sabotage things. That shouldn't be me. And it goes against many principles, and of course my beliefs.


I should be my old self and don't think too much and too hard. I should heed advice from good analysts friends to just "don't care and do nothing" since things will eventually go bad and go in the direction I wanted to be :) which is what I had known since I've analysed the situation myself.


I guess I'll just throw all those thoughts somewhere else first..


I'm too impatient.. Just wait awhile & things will definitely turn out the way I wished. I don't even need any effort, awesome.

I think I shouldn't be too nice to certain people that aren't worth it anymore.




Cheers to you. 01:56;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Friday, 20 June 2014 .

Its been many years. I'm still wondering what am I living for, and for what purpose. Been tasked with the path of life, studying and experiencing ups and downs, now I'm at what it felt like hanging on a thread between hope and despair.


Everything I see seems to head towards despair. My studies are going nowhere, my cousins, friends are all ahead of me, they seem to have a firm grip in their life. Relationship has been a chore, I haven't been able to put the past away yet and it seems that my past relationship still continues to haunt me. "Do I wish to know how they are doing?" is the question I ask myself. "No." makes me curious. "Yes." Only brings more despair. hmm.. And age has a hold onto my life. I'm already getting older, and my parents who supports me are getting even older and I have the responsibility to take care of them. How I wish I had the ability to give them peace and be at ease and to enjoy life without having to support me.


I just feel like being alone, with no one else. but yet that brings despair. But having people around me, brings despair too that I'm just useless before them.


Hope, is just a glimpse of light I have in my believe that everything bleak will go away one day and all will be fine. That the will of God will be show to me my purpose in life and what the future holds for me.


For now, I'll hang on to that piece of thread, not to fall towards despair and hopefully reaching out and grab onto the hand of hope. 14:46;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Tuesday, 6 May 2014 .

Being colder, talking lesser & and not care too much. It's much better off being this way I guess

23:46;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Monday, 28 April 2014 .

Gotta try not to check my phone too much to avoid being disappointed. Quit thinking too much, It's not worth it..is what I've been thinking. But damn..it still hurts. Ouch.

18:15;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Saturday, 26 April 2014 .

All humans are different, I know that. My friends are all different, that's Why they don't like each other? I'm kinda in an awkward position.  I wonder if one day they'll hate me. Hmm..

02:08;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Friday, 18 April 2014 .

Everyone has their own personal problems. I'm no exception. Ever wished someone could understand them? But there isn't anyone. Even your best friend, parents or those closest to you won't understand. Because no one knows you better than yourself. It's annoying, I wanted to let it out, explode, or confide in someone. But there's no one. And I can't even put these problems in words for anyone to listen.. Being alone in your own world is tough..But hey I'm the king of that world, So I won't just admit defeat! If I'm alone, I'll battle it alone. So be it.

02:36;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Wednesday, 25 December 2013 .

First of all, MERRY Christmas to myself. The only one who reads and posts in this blog.

Christmas is a season for gifts, & presents in most parts of the world including Singapore. So What's the best gift someone can give to his or her loved one?

My thoughts for this year's Christmas season based on what I've experienced is that some of my friends tend to take lavish, branded & luxurious if not, expensive gifts as the "best gift". But fail to realize that it's something else.

Few days before Christmas, I went shopping a few times with my cousins & uncle. It's like shopping for things we want & my uncle will pay for it. The things bought for my cousins were bags and a costly Soviet Titus watch and a headset. I, along with them gotten some clothes  although my choice of clothes were loosely chosen. I could have asked for a ps4 console if I wanted(since one of my cousin bought an expensive watch!) But I chose not to.. because I guess I feel bad if my uncle spent so much.. but they insist I get something so..cheap clothes!

Then for Christmas day today, had to go for a family gathering with relatives.  I've received red packets containing money from some of my relatives because they don't know what to buy for me. My parents packed red packets for my cousins and nephews too. During this time, I thought to myself: what present would be the best? Perhaps money since I'm able to use it for many things! Just then, my parents said that they should pack money for me too. And it strucked me, that although our family is poor, my parents never hesitate to provide for me abundantly. Why? Because they love me and I too also love them.

People who are just superficial and likes to stick or flock to the rich sometimes pisses me off..alot. same goes for the typical girls that who only look for the rich. Seen that alot and in reality. Kudos to those that are genuine and they will live happily ever after. The superficial ones will just crumble one day for me to laugh:)

Anyway, people should appreciate the priceless gifts of love & care showered by their closed ones and That's the best gift they have from them.

As for me, I told my parents that they don't have to pack money to gift me. For my best gift this Christmas, is that my parents are still with me safe & sound. I pray that God will continue to Bless them.

23:28;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Friday, 20 December 2013 .

Its sad everytime a good anime ends. Because I feel that I get thrown back into reality... where nothing good lasts forever. The same feeling I have after I woke up from a dream that seemed real.

The fantasy world seemed familar, the reality is an unfamilar world. Its delusional but somehow if the world is more simplier, and people are more stupid(in a peaceful way), It might be a more better place to live in.. This world is all about being cunning & full of deceitfulness. Its hard to survive without being like them.

Then again, there still remains a minority of people who are genuinely themselves.

In fact, I just don't belong here anyway~ waiting for the day when the reality comes to an end.. sooner not later. 15:34;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Saturday, 2 November 2013 .

I feel my life is caught up in a loop. Everyday doing and going through the same old thing again and again. No changes no progress.

As usual, I tried to change what's going on and try out new things. Hopefully i'll get out of this vicious cycle.

But as soon I got one foot out of the cycle, things fall apart and I get pulled back in again.

And now, I'm back again to my usual life. No changes no progress.. 22:36;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Thursday, 26 September 2013 .

I've been telling myself.. No matter what, I'm still alive. No matter what, life must go on. I shouldn't waste time emoing about the past. No matter how bad or worse my future would be, there's bound to be a slight goodness somewhere along the way. Like maybe beating up a person or two I hate within an inch of his life isn't so bad after all? I think what's important is I gotta find a way to release all the hatred.. yup yup.. I'm still alive after all =) 18:24;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Tuesday, 27 August 2013 .

It feels like i'm wasting my life away. Everything just seems really bleak. I don't know what to do.. Should I just carry on with how i'm living? or should I change? And how do I change? I really don't know. But I know that i'm really not feeling any happiness. I asked myself, am I still alive inside? 13:54;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Sunday, 11 August 2013 .

Back from indonesia mission trip. It was a pretty good experience for myself to see how people can live quite peacefully without high technology back here. I'm quite envious for their simple yet fufilling life.

Throughout the trip, I've been asking myself, what am I here for? The team had focus on what to do and each of them had their strong point, their talents that they can contribute. It came upon me that I actually had really nothing to contribute except "eye power" and carry stuff which everyone there are actually carrying more.

And then to put it in a bigger picture, I feel the team has been very cooperative, they all had really commentable backgrounds. I'm just like a person following around. To put it in a very very nice way, i'm like the "Phantom guy" in the team where people wouldn't notice hahaha.. which is good in a way I guess..

But yeah, I kinda like the character my buddies portray me as. "Mysterious" haha pretty cool word.. only revealing something nobody knows about me when its needed. I just hope that this doesn't turns out to be an embarassment hahaha.

But having said that, I haven't found my purpose in life yet. Basically the only inclination for me to live is my parents.. I don't have any goals I wish to achieve in life. I'm still searching for my purpose after so many years. When I think about the future, I get pitch black.. How I wish God would reveal to me strongly my purpose for existing... A loner is pretty cool, but like that title sounds, its kinda lonely, I felt like that only after I've ruined my relationship. I guess some people only realise how important some things are after they're gone eh? But well, its too late. Just act cool on the outside yeah. 02:01;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Wednesday, 7 August 2013 .

Guys put in more effort for something they treasure.. Not like U.
You rarely care.

Guys give them surprises, and do special things.. Not like U.
You only listen and nv do any changes

He knows how to talk to make people happy.. Not like U.

U are JUST someone who doesn't understand my position

Ouch.

*Thinks of other things to add in but I shouldn't waste effort typing*

People can type out their posts so nicely.. Not like U.
hahahaha

16:22;
A dream can only remain just a dream.. No matter what issues, I feel the hardest of all is the matters of the heart..

A famous quote goes by: "What is yours will be yours."

I was wondering..
If its not mine, why should it seek shelter in me?
If its mine, why would it fly away one day?
If its not meant to be mine, it shouldn't come to me in the first place.. it should have just walked pass to spare me the misery.

I should have realised i'm not good enough. Thinking back, what reason I would have that could have made you change your mind and stayed? None. I cannot even think of a "I should have done this, I should have done that.. then maybe.. MAYBE things could be different.." because there was nothing I could have done. I was utterly dissappointing and have completely lost.

Were there memories worth remembering? or was it for the best that they should be forgotten?

If time could rewind, would you choose to take my hand to lead you once again through this same journey? Or do you actually think you made the wrong choice in the first place?

Because I cannot offer you assurance, neither can I offer you the happiness nor the fun and laughter you wished. In fact, there is uncertainity, tears, mundane and boredom.

The one thing I can offer is supposedly nothing worth mentioning..

Tomorrow going to indonesia for 5 days.. and everyone is hoping for a safe trip.
But I'm hoping i'll disappear along with everyone memories of me.
I'm not that bad as to have people feel sad for me haha..so they gotta have their memories of me wiped.

But yeah.. back to reality.

Life's tough.

Matters of the heart is hardest thing to deal with..period. 04:42;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Tuesday, 6 August 2013 .

Its 4 in the morning, and I couldn't sleep. Not sure why I've been thinking of her more and more.. Although we're not together anymore and we each have our own lifes, I can't help but get flashbacks of the times we spent..

My thoughts are stuck in time.. repeating after every cycle. When will the cycle end? when will it stop?

While loving someone is to see through his or her happiness, its really not easy watching the process haha.. 04:23;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Monday, 22 July 2013 .

Its been awhile. I've been really struggling. I don't know where i'm going, which direction i'm heading..  The future seems really pitch black for me. I don't know if my job, my studies will get me anywhere. I can't do anything right. It seems i'm all the while without hopes and dreams, all the while wandering endlessly not knowing where to go, all the while.. dead huh? :) Living is tough and heavy, but still solitary is bliss.. 04:30;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Wednesday, 5 June 2013 .

I really feel like screaming my heart out. The thorns just wouldn't get out. My days have been dark, and getting darker day by day. Its affecting my everyday life and the people around me who cares..

I'm angry, really angry with myself. Why couldn't I let go? Being faithful isn't like that.. The searing pain of the sudden loss of love whom I've been holding in my arms a moment ago, and in the next moment gets shattered into pieces. I should have been angry with the person for not being honest and treating me like a stepping stone. But whenever I think of it, I would stop.. I cannot be angry with her because I haven't let go..

Worse come to worse, I'll accept this darkness, make those thorns in my heart mine and change my whole perspective of things. I was wrong. Showing kindness is just pointless.. 17:24;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Wednesday, 29 May 2013 .

The past days have been quite torturing.. She has been treating her beau the way I wanted to be treated when we were together. Gives him time? saying things like "He got more important things to do, I think those are more important." So how about the things I did in the past? During my army days you argued with me past 4am when I had training at 5.30am, during work you expected me to reply to your messages fast when I had a pile of work on going.. So now you understood him. But before why didn't you understand me? Although I didn't mind neglecting things more important for her, but this time I felt unfair.

Yesterday she suddenly told me since I go church go join a cg better. And told me that its important in my christian life. I was puzzled. Why suddenly tell me this? why she would know about cellgroup activities and also saying it as "cg" as if its a common thing to her. So I asked, "why all of a sudden talk about cg?" her reply was "Cause now I going to become a christian." and she says she's attending follow up lessons from her "leader"..

I thought to myself.. For 4 years, I've been requesting you to go to church, to know more about God, to let you experience God.. For you to know my thoughts better. But you did not want to and you turn yourself away from it. I did not give up and I continued to pray for you every time. But now all of a sudden you're attending church, joined a cell group, and became very enthu to ask people to come saying its good and telling ME of all people that joining a cell group is important!? You can know everyone in a church, you can take part in missions, ministries, joining cell groups, charity work ..and maybe probably or even must be for your beau's sake? But one thing is for sure.. you did not even include God. Which means you currently aren't genuine.. which is sad.

I felt like I'm treated just like a stepping stone.. a guinea pig.. someone to test temperature before throwing me away. Just when I've finish making plans, you throw me away and didn't even tell me face to face.. you just used text.

Maybe now you might have grown, became more mature.. but you're still not mature enough to realise how I feel when you told me these. I still worry for you, but its hurting. And I wonder why am I thinking all these when I've already become nothing to you..

I really need to let it go.. 19:33;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Monday, 27 May 2013 .

To be honest, throughout the 9 months I've been telling myself to forget my memories of her.. Ironically, I'm also afraid to let it go. I'm even still using the wallet given by her which is now already torn and tattered and full of holes to the point that its beyond repair..

Just like the condition of my wallet, It is beyond hope.. 9 months ago, after she ended our relationship, I told myself "I guess i'm not a good enough to take care of her." So I find ways to improve myself and my ways and thinking..

Just when I find things are getting more calm, two days ago she told me she's attached (through sms). Although my mind have expected this news to come sooner or later, my heart wasn't ready to take it. I was kinda taken aback by the news. Nevertheless, trying hard to keep my composure in public, I gave my blessings to her.

Throughout the day, I've been suffering flashbacks of the good and bad times i've been through with her.. thoughts and feelings which were buried deep within were surfaced. Eventually the feeling became overwhelming.. and as I went back home, I immediately went to take a long evening nap..

Waking up late at night, I find myself suddenly feeling really alone.. No one was at home. My parents went overseas. That little dim light that shines through the hallway as I opened my door made me feel as if i'm already helpless..

Not wanting to dwell on this feeling any longer, I began to occupy myself in my late night computer session. That was when a friend of mine sent his greetings to me in Skype messager.

Feeling down inside, I've decided to let it out by just telling him how i'm feeling so that he'll at least give me some encouragement and support..

Never did I expect, that asking for some encouragement would turn that really "dimlight" feeling into something "pitchblack"... 04:55;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Sunday, 26 May 2013 .

Its been a really long time.. 4 years since i've posted something. How fast time flies and how fast time is wasted. Looking back then, those immature times are now nothing but memories. I wish there were times where I could make things right again, times where I could start all over. But thats not gonna happen. Indeed, time and tide waits for no man..


19:33;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Sunday, 21 June 2009 .

First post of my life in ns! Life as a recruit totally SUX! But i'm fortunate to be in a section with the best people available.. helpful, creative and funny~ whats more we're the only section with no malays! =p but its NOT that i'm racist =x but i guess its better since we're all chinese and we could speak in our dialects. our platoon sergant is also one of the lenient ones..he also hates being in ns and always emoing about life sux LOL but I feel that when he erupts, our platoon will literally DIE =/ and if he erupts means our platoon is FUBAR(you can find the meaning of that your own =D) anyways.. no choice still gotta endure on as the training gets tougher and tougher~ haiz.. sux to be us =/

Artixskyx, Paul 04:00;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Tuesday, 19 May 2009 .

Going to serve national service on the 5th of june~ so won't be blogging at the moment! 17:30;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Tuesday, 16 December 2008 .

China trip part 2!

okay! to backtrack abit.. [n p] = No Photos
--Day 1: Singapore -> Qingdao--
Zhanqiao Bridge which symbolized Qingdao[n p]
Ba-da-guan(Eight-pass) famous for its gardens and roads.
XiaoYuShan(Little Fish Hill)
Small Qingdao

--Day 2:Qingdao--
Mt. Laoshan Beijuyshhui Scenic area[water fall climing part]
Shi Lao Ren Scenic area(Stone Old man)[not si lao ren hor~]
Qingdao Beer Brewery
unknown (place of maple leaves. famous for wedding photos)
unknown (Some Marshal mansion)
Musical Square[n p]
Wusi Square[n p]
Shopping in Zhongshan Road[n p]

--Day 3: Qingdao --> Yantai--

As early as 7am we set off a 2.5 hours bus trip to Yantai~

Its possible to see the sun without any glare because its covered by a thick fog!

-{Penglai Pavilion Tourist Area}-
Known as Fairyland on Earth (lol) One of the four famous towers in China. The legend of Eight Fairies Crossing the Sea(ba xian guo hai) and the natural wonder of mirage have won worldwide reputation.
12:08;
A dream can only remain just a dream..

Saturday, 13 December 2008 .

14:30;
A dream can only remain just a dream..